


River's Five

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Gen, Robbery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8298205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: River Song is planning a heist, and she needs Clara and Me's help. (Unfinished work that will not be updated or completed.)





	1. The Coordinates

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was for another Doctor Who challenge, hence the short chapters, but I originally stopped working on this because I was going through some personal issues at the time. Then I took this fic off AO3 because I thought most of this would be used in a fic I was writing for a big bang. That turned out not to be the case. However, I still can't figure out a way to end and/or change this fic to my liking, so I'm reposting it as an unfinished work that will never be finished.
> 
> The only thing I have changed is Ashildr's name (I've changed it to "Me" instead).
> 
> There are references to _The Legends of Ashildr_ and the Titan Comics run of Twelfth Doctor comics, but you don't need to read those things to understand the fic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara and Me get a mysterious set of coordinates from their TARDIS.

Clara and Me walked into their TARDIS. Both were wearing close-bodied gowns that were popular in England in the 1790s.

"Jane's never going to come with us, Clara," Me said. "Her family keeps a close eye on her."

Clara blew a raspberry. "We haven't tried hard enough. We're going to catch them off guard. You'll see."

A message came over their TARDIS monitor as soon as they reached the console room. A distorted voice spoke on a screen filled with snow: "Six one nine two slash nine four, nine by two, nine four slash filbert. Please provide air corridor." The message repeated itself.

"It's a set of coordinates," Clara said.

"Who could be giving us coordinates?" Me said.

"Don't know, but the Doctor told me 'bout this one time where he received some coordinates while he was in the Time Vortex. And I think I met her once, after she died."

"You have a way of attracting the dead."

Clara shrugged. "I have a sneaking suspicion who it is. Let's get in the Vortex."

Clara set the TARDIS for the coordinates, seemingly nowhere in space. They opened up the front doors to their TARDIS, keeping the console room closed.

Clara shut the door the front doors of the TARDIS after she heard an audible thump in the dining room. She opened the door to the console room.

A woman in a black dress walked into the TARDIS console room. Her red high heels could be heard clacking against the floor of the TARDIS. She fluffed her reddish-blonde hair.

"I'd never thought I'd see her again," Clara whispered to Me.

"I'd never thought I'd see her at all," Me whispered back.

"River Song," they both said.

River hummed. "Not exactly the TARDIS I was hoping to use for a heist, but it'll do." She turned to Clara and Me. "Hello, sweeties."


	2. Two Immortal Women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River gets to know Clara and Me, and Clara and Me get to know River.

River started flipping switches and pushing buttons on Clara and Me's TARDIS before she looked up. She pointed at Clara. "Oh, I remember you! You were in the dining room when the Doctor and I had a meeting here in this diner." River looked around the console room again. "And the diner is your TARDIS! I'm sorry I haven't noticed. I'm in a bit of a rush to get what was stolen from me back. You probably remember me. I mean, you can see my hair from anywhere. I'm River Song."

Clara looked at River, stunned. The last time she met River, River was long dead. Now she was technically dead and River was alive. She noticed River was saying things, things she should question, but she couldn't say anything.

"Your face," River said. She wagged her finger. "You know me before I know you."

"Yeah. Twice, including the diner. That meeting--it was you, the Doctor, a red-headed girl...I think her name was Amy?"

"That's my mum! And I was sitting with my dad and the Doctor!"

Clara remembered that day. She thought the Doctor she was looking for was in Utah. Instead, her TARDIS became a way station for a younger Doctor as well as three people, three people that she now knew were River, Amy, and Rory. Clara hid her face--she couldn't let a Doctor who hadn't met her see it. She knew what would've happened if he did see it. She was amazed the younger-looking people were River's parents, but then again, she shouldn't have been surprised with her travels through time and space.

"Don't tell me about the other time you met me," River said.

"Spoilers."

River laughed. She turned to Me. "I don't believe I have the pleasure of meeting you before. But I've seen your face. The Doctor has a room devoted to you in his TARDIS. I'm not sure why. I honestly don't know what that idiot gets up to when I'm not around. He calls you...Ashildr?"

Me nodded. "I'm told that was my birth name. You must know I've lived so long, and I have a finite memory."

"I do. There are records of you in Samarkand, in France, all over England...and then you disappeared sometime after 1800. Then the Doctor has a picture of you standing behind Clara in London in 2015. I don't understand."

"I inherited a street around the 1800s in London," Me said. "Clara calls it a 'trap' street because humans didn't know where it was. I became the street's mayor. I saved species from all over the galaxy from the people of Earth and from the Doctor for several years. But one after another, they all were destroyed or they died. By the end of the world, when I last met the Doctor, they were all dead. I had no street to be a mayor of. I was living in a time bubble, watching the stars die. I was going to be content with my fate in the time bubble. I knew I was either going to live in it forever or finally die floating somewhere in space. But the Doctor saved me. He gave me the one thing I wanted most, so I'm told, the one thing I've wanted ever since I've met him--to travel with someone through time and space. And he knew I liked Clara and I would've done anything for her, even though I failed."

"Long story, really," Clara said. "She tried to protect me from a quantum shade that killed me. I'm here 'cause the Doctor pulled me out of my timestream. Can't die again, can't age--I don't even have a pulse. You can check."

Clara outstretched her right wrist. With two fingers, River checked Clara's pulse.

"You're right. You don't have any pulse."

"We're supposed to go back to Gallifrey so I can get back in my timestream. We're getting there, but it'll take us a while."

"But to the matter of my name. I call myself Me now. You call me that."

"So, now that we know each other, I'm going to proceed to go back to taking over your TARDIS." River resumed hitting several switches and buttons on Clara and Me's TARDIS.

"River," Clara said, "I know we barely know you--"

"No one knows me," River said. "That's what makes me fun."

"But at least let us know why you're hijacking our TARDIS."

River paused, then turned to Clara and Me. "Well, I've already got your TARDIS on course to where we need to go. You have booths in your TARDIS. We can talk in your dining room."


	3. The Cybock Imperium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cybock Imperium: River's recently been ambushed by them, but Clara's met them before. And Me's never met them at all.

Clara and Me sat across from River at one of the booths in the dining room.

"Let's see. Where to start..." River looked up at the ceiling. "Oh, I know. Once upon a time, there was a race of warrior people known as the Cybock Imperium."

Clara nodded. "I've met them before."

"You have?"

"Las Vegas, 1963. They came to Vegas to take over the crime syndicates there, as daft as that sounds. Claimed they could rule the galaxy that way. But the Doctor and I stopped them."

"But you can keep going," Me said. "I haven't met them."

"It's a good thing you haven't. The Cybock Imperium are from Octos. They claim that, at one point of their history, they were among the most feared races in the galaxy."

Me blinked. "Really? If I knew of them, I would've had one living on my street."

River shook her head. "I know. Even I would've heard of them long before I heard of the Daleks and Cybermen and who knows who else. I think they like to brag a lot. Since we've gotten their Vegas trip out of the way, I'll skip over to the next part. I was in charge of an excavation to Octa, the home of the Cybock Imperium. My crew and I recovered some of the Cybock Imperium's technology. We didn't realize they were still on Octa and that they were on their way back to Earth to try and take it over again. The Cybock Imperium killed my crew and took their technology back."

"And now you need us to help you recover it," Me said.

"Yes. But I'm picking up a couple of friends first. Well, these two don't know that we're all friends yet. Our mutual acquaintance is one Doctor before my time, and, quite possibly, both of yours. But I'm sure we'll all become fast friends. In fact, we should where we're going to pick up our first friend right about...now."

Clara and Me's could tell that their TARDIS was materialising in the English countryside.

"Where are we, River?" Clara asked.

"1926, shortly after Agatha Christie disappeared. They say the Doctor and a woman named Donna Noble were here when it happened. There was someone else who disappeared from the legend of Agatha Christie's disappearance as well. And she's a bit of a legend herself. But first I need some wings before I find this legend. And Cricklewood's the best place to get them."


	4. 3 Litre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River needs Clara and Me's help to steal a Bentley 3 Litre.

River, Clara, and Me looked out the windows of the diner. In front of them was the Bentley factory in Cricklewood, northwest London.

"Of course," Me said. "Bentley's logo is a 'B' surrounded by wings."

"Are you going to steal a car?" Clara asked River.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm practically an expert in stealing cars. I've been stealing them since I was young. I don't need your help in stealing a car. But I am going to need your help transporting it. I need you two to rearrange your TARDIS so I can get in the garage. I'll send you video of myself when I'm inside it. But there's one more thing." River pulled out a perfume bottle from her cleavage. "Glad I could keep this from the Cybock Imperium."

River sprayed the perfume bottle on herself. Her dress changed into a white shirt and breeches and brown boots. Her hair was hidden in a racing helmet, complete with goggles perched above her face. "I have to look period appropriate. I wore the dress to impress you two, but now that we know each other, I don't need it anymore."

River stood at the TARDIS' door. "I'm about to steal a Bentley 3 Litre. Don't wait up." She leaped out of the TARDIS and headed for the Bentley factory.

Clara turned to Me. "Well, I'm guess we're part of a heist now."

"Should we completely trust River, Clara? It seems like she might be hiding some things from us. And not just in her cleavage."

"Don't know, but I do know it's not wise to cross her. We'd better get her some space in our garage. Do you remember where you put the TARDIS manual?"

"That I can never forget."

"Let's go."

Me and Clara ran back into the console room. Me grabbed the TARDIS manual, flipping furiously through the pages. Clara hovered over the console.

Me found the pages detailing how to get a vehicle inside of a TARDIS. She read out the directions as Clara adjusted the TARDIS to ensure River wouldn't run the two of them over by accident with her stolen Bentley 3 Litre.

The 3 Litre could be heard driving into the TARDIS, speeding until it could get into the TARDIS' garage.

When River arrived at the garage, she pressed some buttons to turn on a camera inside the garage. When the camera was on, she waved into the camera. Clara and Me saw River waving to them in the console room.


	5. The Unicorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and Clara discover who their latest "friend" is.

From the garage, River gave Clara and Me the coordinates to her next destination, somewhere in England, close to Eddison Manor. River drove out of the garage to pick up her "friend."

When River left the TARDIS garage, Clara said "I'm going to spy on River. I want to see who she's picking up. You have your mobile on you?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"It may not be period-appropriate, but I'm going to hop on my motorcycle and follow River. After I get out of this dress." Clara ran out the console room and towards a bedroom.

 

Clara saw River's 3 Litre parked beside the road leading up to Eddison Manor. Clara parked far away so that she could ride back to her TARDIS without being spotted by River.

A woman ran up to the 3 Litre. River waved to the woman, flagging her down. "Ada Mullins? I'm your ride. Come with me."

Clara called Me. "Me? See what our TARDIS knows about an Ada Mullins." She grabbed her motorcycle and rode back to her TARDIS.

 

"Our TARDIS says Ada Mullins is a jewel thief," Me told Clara as she stepped back into their TARDIS. "Our TARDIS Index file thinks she's from the East End. She was mistaken for many years as a male jewel thief known as 'the Unicorn.' She mostly operated in London, stealing from the wealthy there. Our Index file mentions her attempt to steal from the Eddisons. Then there is no further record of her. She disappeared from history like Agatha Christie almost did." Me cut the Index File off.

"Why does River need a jewel thief? She said she was stealing back technology from the Cybock Imperium."

"River must have some sort of ulterior motive here."

Clara nodded. "She has to have some sort of good intention. She married the Doctor and didn't kill him. I know she's not like Missy. And I think she fancied me even though she was dead when I met first her."

"We've got to pretend we don't know who Ada Mullins is and let River take the lead."

 

Moments later, River appeared with Ada Mullins in Me and Clara's TARDIS console room. Ada had a bag with her. The delay allowed Me to change out of her dress into a shirt and pants. "I'm sorry it took us a while, but it seems our new friend didn't have her tools with her," River said to Clara and Me. "I wanted to make sure she had those tools back, so I retrieved them for her. Ada Mullins, this is Clara Oswald and Me. They own this TARDIS. Clara, Me, this is Ada Mullins, known to most as one of the most feared thieves of her time--the Unicorn."


	6. The Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River reveals her true motivation behind her heist to Me and Clara.

"I hate to do this so soon, Ada," River said, "but I want to talk to my friends. We have something important to discuss."

"You kidnapped me, you nob," Ada said to River. "Why should I trust you? If I wasn't a bleeding thief I'd hand you over to the cops."

River smiled. "I'd break out of jail. You still wouldn't win. And I wouldn't consider myself a nob. I'd say I had humble beginnings. Not the best of childhoods, but it wasn't posh, either." She turned to Clara and Me. "May I see you two in the dining room?"

Ada pointed to the TARDIS' dining room. "That's a dining room?"

"It's before your time, Ada," River said. "I assume Me and Clara haven't figured out how to...oh, how do I phrase this so you can understand? They own a spaceship. It's supposed to be able to change shape so it can blend into the environment. Their spaceship can't do that. It's a little bit broken. Otherwise, they could've turned this spaceship into a tea shop or something."

"You're crazy."

"Thank you. I'll accept that as a compliment. Ladies, dining room. Now." River pointed at Ada. "You stay in here or I'll make you stay in here."

Me and Clara followed River to the dining room, where they proceeded to sit in a booth.

River took off her racing helmet. "Clara, I know you were spying on me. I saw you getting away on your motorcycle while I was picking up Ada."

"I wouldn't call that 'picking up someone,'" Clara said. "Seems like you're taking Ada hostage in our TARDIS."

"I need her."

"We don't understand why you need a jewel thief to steal back equipment," Me said.

"I don't understand you questioning my methods."

Clara stood up. "You're hijacked our TARDIS. You're taking a thief hostage. I think we deserve to know what's going on."

"You're both lucky you're good friends with the Doctor, and you're lucky I can't kill you."

Clara and Me looked at each other. Clara sat down.

"What? I've worked with uglier people. At least you two are pleasing to look at. Anyway, I haven't lied to you. The Cybock Imperium did steal my equipment and kill my team. But they stole something very valuable to me, something that shouldn't be in their hands at all costs. If they open it, the Doctor could be in serious danger. It's my diary."

"A diary? The Doctor didn't tell me about a diary."

"That's because few people are supposed to know about it, Clara. The Doctor and I keep meeting in the wrong order, very much like I suspect you're meeting me in the wrong order. He knew about this and gave me a diary to record our meetings in, to not disrupt his timestream and cause all sorts of trouble. I should know--I've stopped time for that man. Not intentionally, but rather me than someone who hates the Doctor. If the Cybock Imperium read my diary, they might find a way to destroy the Doctor. They may not literally stop time, but they might kill him and destroy history forever. So, now that you know my motives, will you keep them a secret?"

Me and Clara nodded.

"I'll have to adjust my plans a bit--I'll need you two to help me get my diary back. But I'll still need Ada and the other person I'm going to pick up. Have you heard of Christina de Souza?"

"Yeah, I've heard of her," Clara said. "She was always in the papers while I was alive."

"I haven't," Me said. "I couldn't always leave my street to catch up on the news."

"I have no idea if we'll like her," River said, "but I hope we like her. We're going to pick her up in Washington, D.C. before she committed one of her most brazen heists in 2016. I'll give you the coordinates. I'm sensing you're not fond of me hijacking your TARDIS."

Me and Clara nodded.

"I figured. You're both better pilots than the Doctor. You don't leave your brakes on all the time."


End file.
